Understanding

It's horrible that I have to keep my family at arm's length so that I can continue down the path of life comfortably. They just don't understand. If you haven't struggled with infertility you can't possibly understand. Much like I could never understand battling cancer or dealing with a parent's divorce. I feel even worse when people offer sympathy. I don't want sympathy. I want a little bit of understanding when it comes to my emotions. Meaning: respect that fact that I may need to stay away from babies and prego women for a while or at seemingly random times - don't make me feel guilty because of it. It's been said that it's not selfishness; it's self-preservation.

Over the past few weeks....

.....I've heard more encouraging words than I was ready to hear. I was, still am, battling with these overwhelming feelings. God gives us feelings; He created anger, despair, and sadness. My feelings are not "wrong" or "sinful", they're normal. I had reached a point where I shut down and stopped responding to what people were saying. No words pierced my heart. Part of me doesn't want to give up these feelings, they're safe. Giving up the sadness and the anger could open doors to more intense hurt than I've already experienced. I'm truly scared of what will happen if I surrender to "whatever His will may be". These past few weeks have been horrible. I feel as if God's given me more than I can handle. And, what's next, if I keep trusting Him and all I get in return is devastating hurt?

A dearly loved friend e-mailed me today. For whatever reason, God opened my heart to her encouragement. She simply posted the words to the following song with a short line at the bottom -- "I love you and am praying for you."

"What do you see when you look at your world today?
Is it so full of clutter that you feel like you’re going insane?
And you can’t fight back cause you’re just too afraid
And it seems like the clouds in your sky don’t wanna change
You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin,
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice.

When you see the rushing wind,
Feel the pouring rain,
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in
And you’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice
Saying, It’s okay, you’re not alone,
You may be scared to death, But I won’t let you go
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling

What do you see when you look at your world today?
Do you see a glimmer of hope, or has it all turned to gray?
Well start by counting your blessings one by one
Oh and I’m sure right there, you’ll start to see the sun
You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice.

Because the darker the night, the brighter He can shine."

I struggled with this all day. Can I hear Him? I am scared to death, and most days I do feel like the sky is falling. He just seems miles away....possibly because I'm pushing Him there.

I have so much to think about -- do I keep being angry and sad forever? Or do I open my heart again and risk such torment? I believe the last line of the song.....and I wish that could be me, but I'm overwhelmingly sad and have no idea how to get to that place of peace and hope.

Endometrial WHAT?

Phone calls can be randomly disturbing. Today's phone call from my RE was upsetting and unbelievable.

Conversation goes as follows:

Nurse: "Tiffany, Dr. S wanted me to remind you that even though you've decided to forego IVF at this time, you'll need to continue a 6 month check-up with your regular OB since you're at high-risk."

Me: "High-risk for what?"

Nurse: "Endometrial cancer. Dr. S discussed this with you at one of your appointments."

Me: "I would have remembered that. We never discussed endometrial cancer or the words high-risk. What does that mean?"

Nurse: "You'll have to talk about that with your OB or make an appointment with Dr. S."


SERIOUSLY?? What is wrong with people? You don't tell someone they're at high-risk for cancer of any kind without prepping them first! Geez! R says I don't need to worry about it - I guess I'll bring it up when I have my appointment. Now, I just need to find an OB who's actually reads my chart.