Sickening

I get sick to my stomach when I hear people say that we should deal with infertility by way of adoption. My mom posed a question and the answers given astounded me. Only one of the reponders knows where I'm coming from and the rest have absolutely no idea, but several immediately jumped onto the adoption bandwagon.

Seriously? Adoption is not something you jump into blindly. You don't just say, "I can't deal with infertility, so I'll adopt." People are absolutely clueless sometimes. Adoption does not CURE infertility, no matter how many people "got pregnant after they adopted". We are dealing with medical issues that aren't going to fix themselves with an extended period of relaxation. I would never wish infertility on anyone -- but I must say that I wish some people could walk a few months in the shoes of infertility. I guarantee they'd start thinking before they speak.

It's going to be a rough day.....

.....I'm meeting a girl who can use some of the meds I won't be using. And I'm making up a package to mail some other meds to another girl. Truly, knowing that I'm easing someone else's financial burden and helping allow their dream to come true does making losing my dream a little easier.

Last week, with R's emergency surgery and other family things going on I don't think I was able to let the news of the cancelled cycle sink in. This week, now that things have slowed down, it's all hitting me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I've been run over by a semi. Last night when I was crying, I felt as if I didn't have any more air to breathe. If my heart was going to hurt that bad - I wanted to just step out of my body and be in another place. A place where I wouldn't have to feel the hurt. There's no such place.

My biggest issue right now, and I'm fully aware of it, is that I need to find a place of peace with God. I'm so angry at Him; I can't believe that He would do this R and I. Why on earth would He allow me to come to place of indescribable (sp?) peace with not having biological children and moving on towards adoption, to open this seemingly amazing door to IVF, only to know He's going to rip it away from me right in the middle of the procedure? He could have bypassed the whole "here's IVF".....oooh, sorry, nevermind.

If I thought it was rough before - when we found out we had to do IVF and it wasn't even an option - I had no idea what losing IVF after starting it was going to feel like.

Just Like *That*

Literally, in a matter of seconds.

My RE's office called today and since my insurance policy changed in January, they're not covering IVF. They will only cover IUI, because I work for a Catholic hospital who can make their own provisions.

I'm in shock. It's over. There's no way we can do IVF now; it's too late in the game. I can't believe this is happening.

How am I supposed to have faith when I can never even get back up after being kicked down? R and I can't take this rollercoaster ride anymore.

I don't know what God's doing.....but I can't imagine that His plan is to continually hurt us. R wants to fight it, and I'm ready to just move on and start our new life in Texas. I don't think the tears are going to end anytime soon. Our loss of the dream of having a family is too much to even think about right now.

Meds

I got all of my meds today. I couldn't believe how big the box was and that it was completely full of injection junk.

This scares the crap out of me.

On a great note, we were told that our fertility meds would be anywhere from $3k - $5k. My insurance coverage is amazing - our copay for the meds was $130. I was nervous before we found out what our co-pay would be and R says to me..."It's not in our hands, you know that already." He was right; and we received a HUGE blessing in the form of inexpensive medication.

I texted him after I received the box and said, "I can't do this anymore. It's too much. I've been strong for a few days and now I'm breaking." His response was, "That's right, you can't. But WE can. I'll be home soon. I love you." More tears! It made me realize that although I'm the pin cushion right now, R and I are in this together. We're both dealing with emotional stress and we're both going to deal with result of the procedure.

I have a little less than 2 weeks until I begin the other injections, so maybe I'll be used to getting them by then.

It's true....I hate needles

The pharmacy didn't pull through and I ended up having to get temporary Lupron from my RE's office.

I had to give myself my first injection today....yeah, that didn't happen. Everyone keeps telling me it's "mind over matter - you can do this". Actually, I can't.

I sat in the bathroom at work - crying, shaking, and trying to give myself the injection for 15 minutes. It's the idea of giving the injection to myself. I can't get over it. I have such a huge fear of needles. I hate it.

Finally, I asked a co-worker, who's in nursing school, to give me the shot. She came into the bathroom, I pinched my stomach, and the shot was over in less than 10 seconds. As soon as she took the needle, I calmed down. I wasn't freaking out, I wasn't shaking, and I didn't expect it to hurt. I have no problem with someone else doing it.

One injection down - many more to go. Bring 'em on...as long as I'm not the one giving them!

Officially Overwhelmed

R and I went to our group calendar review last night, where we practiced mixing and drawing up medications and giving injections to flesh-like pads. The whole evening made me sick - needles are not my friends and the thought of giving myself a shot is enough to make me want to pass out. Of course, R's 'excited' about it....he knows how to give shots....no thanks. I haven't decided whether or not to let him help; it depends on if I can make myself give the injections.

I'm supposed to start 1 injection tomorrow morning - Lupron. However, I have yet to hear from the pharmacy and don't have ANY of the meds I need. I have no idea how they're going to get everything here by tomorrow morning before I go to work.

My calendar states that the egg retrieval will likely be on Friday (1.29) or Saturday (1.30). And the embryo transfer is tentatively scheduled for Monday (2.1), Tuesday (2.2), or Wednesday (2.3).

I wonder if a person can ever be fully ready (emotionally and physically) for this type of thing. I'm beginning to think it's a leap one has to take - not blindy, but with lots of faith.

Limited Fert

After much prayer and discussion, R and I finally came to a conslusion about the big "how many egg do we fertilize" question.

Here's where we're coming from -- (note: we do not make this judgement for anyone else, this is our personal belief) -- we believe that life begins at conception, whether that conception is in a petri dish or in a woman's uterus, meaning the embryos the embryolgists create are human lives at that point. Neither R not myself are fans of freezing eggs or embryos. We'd pretty much resigned ourselves to the fact that we were headed towards adoption and wouldn't have any biological children. Being able to do IVF is side road before that road of adoption. Although I have wonderful insurance coverage, we will not be doing IVF again. This is our one and only try. If God wants us to have a biological child, He'll allow it - this is truly how we're looking at the procedure.

Limited Fertilization means we've decided to fertilize only 8 eggs. The ratio of them turning into blastocysts (which are 8+ celled embryos that they implant) is about 50% or so. We're hoping that we'll get 3 blasts to be able to implant. If God allows 4, 5, or all 6 to make it into blasts, then we will turn to the option of freezing them. Likely, we will turn to embryo adoption, because unless God changes our hearts, we won't be doing IVF again. If 0 make it to blasts, then God's will was accomplished, and we're headed off to adopt the lovely child(ren) he has waiting for us.

Tough to think about, because we both want to be so positive about this procedure. Chances of pregnancy are only 50/50, so we can't get our hopes up too much. As of now, we're resting in His love and in His peace.