Fertilization

I talked to our clinical coordinator today about the whole process of IVF. It was really starting to scare me. Both R and I felt as if there were too many unknowns about the process and we wanted some answers. She answered a few questions that I had, and we set up a time for both R and I to talk to her.

Since we told her about our belief of "life at conception" and that we did not want embryos discarded, she gave us a few options: freezing embryos, freezing oocytes, and limited fertilization. Not all embryos make it to blastocysts. The 8-12 celled blastocysts are what will be implanted. Just because we fertilize 10 eggs, does not mean that those 10 eggs will "take" the fertilization and become embryos and then divide into blastocysts. I feel like this whole "fert" thing is like playing Risk.

Freezing embryos - freezing the number of embryos (over the 2-3 we will implant) and saving them for later use. There could be 20+ embryos that need freezing and would require future IVF procedures.

Freezing oocytes - freezing the left over eggs they did not fertilize. Seems random to me.

Limited Fert - fertilizing only as many eggs as we will implant. Or fertilizing a specific number of eggs with the idea of freezing what goes above and beyond the maximum of 3 SIRM will implant.

First round of Labs

This is my arm 1 day after the first round of intensive lab work. It doesn't hurt as bad as it looks, but is definitely tender. They took 13 vials from this arm alone - then they had to switch to the other arm for the last 5 vials. I'm scared that this is only the beginning. I hate needles; I freaked out. There's SO many more to come......

The Road of IVF

I guess we decided to give IVF a chance. Dr. S wants to get the ball rolling, because we're young and hopefully will have better results. We're scheduled on the January 25th cycle. My RE is fantastic....she's with Sher Institute of Reproductive Medicine (SIRM, from now on).

I started by taking Provera to induce a cycle, and will start birth control pills tomorrow, so that they can "take control" of my cycle for the IVF procedure. I start injection medications on Wednesday, January 6th. (I have lots of mental preparation before that!!)

We have our Group Calendar meeting on January 4th - both R and I are hungry for info about this whole thing. We feel lost.

The next few months are going to be scary, difficult, and, PLEASE LORD, rewarding.

1st Day w/ RE

Today was the first day we saw our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). She spent over an hour talking about our "mechanical problems" and offering us a lofty "promise" that we will be parents. How, you ask? Through IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). I've never really researched the in's and out's of IVF. Basically, it's creating embryos in a mock environment and then tranferring those 8+ celled embryos to me.

R and I have a HUGE decision to make in the next few months. We'll be spending a lot of time praying for guidance and peace.

Why NOT me?

"Happy Thanksgiving....I'm pregnant." -- I hate those words.

Why does it seem that I'm the only one not being allowed to have a family? I think R and I have heard 3 or 4 announcements in the last few days. I feel as if I'm being punished for some reason. And there's absolutely NO reason why I should be.

The overwhelming emotions that followed the announcement took my breath away. In fact, I had an anxiety attack, which is something that's never happened before. I've cried every day since, and haven't stopped feeling absolutely desperate, angry, and very sad.

Pretty much the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Simply Stupid

I wish I could wear a sign that says "Infertility is not a relaxation problem!"

People are absolutely ignorant. I'm could not keep track of how many people tell me to relax and then I'll get pregnant. No amount of relaxation is going to fix either of our "mechanical problems". For instance, if I had ovarian cancer....are people going to tell me to just relax and it'll go away on it's own? Of course not. So, why are people ignorant about infertility?

Both R and I have come to the conclusion that we're so open about our struggle with infertility, because we want people to be aware of how insensitive they can be and what infertility REALLY entails.

:::: THE Job ::::

So, I started my new job this week....

I miss my kids - my preschoolers. I didn't realize how much fun my job was until I'm sitting at a desk all day. I'm not complaining...I mean, I chose to take the job. I think I'll like for working for the largest trauma hospital in downstate Illinois. I'll have lots of options for transferring throughout the hospital and their affiliates later on. It's definitely different than teaching.

One of these days I'll go back to school and get my Bachelor's degree. I'm sure I could use my degree in Social Work at the hospital somehow. I'm excited for this new journey!

Hannibal

Visited my middle bro today @ HLG. He seems to be living it up at college. We actually didn't see him much, but the time we did spend together was fun. He took us on a tour of downtown Hannibal - kinda neat. We got stuck down by the river because of some l-o-n-g train. I don't like being in the dark by a river. *Chills*

I miss J. I know he's having an amazing time playing basketball there and he's buffing up quickly! I hope he stays in college for 4 consecutive years....something I didn't do and am kicking myself now.

Cave Restaurant

Weirest place I've ever eaten. The Cave Restaurant in Richland, MO. We were in the area for a college graduation, randomly heard about this restaurant and decided to check it out. We had to park at the bottom of the "hill" and wait in a make-shift shed. The crazy van driver lady drove a huge van, that we all piled into, way too quickly through treacherous curves. I held R's hand the entire time, silently praying that we'd make it to the restaurant. We rode up several hundred feet in a wooden elevator - SCARY times 10!!! R said I needed to stop shaking.

The history of the cave was really interesting. Originally it was used for bootlegging. Later, a man climbed up the rock, cleaned out the cave, and eventually made it into the restaurant. The food wasn't too bad either.

One Year

Kinda bummed that we aren't able to celebrate our anniversary. R has to work all day. (Edit: He brought me home these beautiful roses!!!)

We had planned on having a great weekend of celebration - that didn't work out either. Friday night we had softball games. And on Saturday we celebrated my Grandma's 70th birthday with family instead. I wouldn't have changed it. Seeing family that I hadn't seen in a while and who R had never met was a good time. And of course, being there for my Grandma was the most important thing!

I'm hoping we'll be able to celebrate it in some way later. I think I might make his favorite dinner tonight. I'll surprise him....he's expecting frozen pizza.

Abandonment

We have chosen to continue putting off my impending surgery. Yes, it's a big risk, but something we feel ready to handle no matter what happens. We also found out that we're dealing with fertility issues on R's side...which makes our situation even more confusing. A typical male sperm count is 20 million/mL. R's first analysis was 300,000/mL and after a round of antibiotics, the 2nd result was 1.5 million/mL. About 2 weeks ago, we were told that short of IUI or IVF or "a miracle", we will not conceive chidlren on our own.

Sometimes I still feel as if God has abandoned me and betrayed me. I ponder whether God really has the power to heal our bodies and if He has the mercy to care. He didn't protect us from loss when we prayed and pleaded for Him to do so. I feel as if He hadn't even given Robert and I a chance before we were immediately transferred to the "ART" (Advanced Reproductive Technology) file. So many bad things can not be happening to us if God was watching out for us. I have such a mistaken perception of God, on these days.

Brotherly Fun

Took the doors and top off the Jeep today!! J, Vi, R, and I cruised to Bloomington after the wedding. Although the wind was whipping my hair into my eyes and making them burn and water (OUCH), everything about the drive was perfect. The boys wouldn't let me complain, because the weather was gorgeous. Of course, I had a great time with the 2 youngest bro's! We've been spending a lot more time together these days...and I ADORE it!

6hr Car Ride....turns into 8hrs

Mom and I took Chloe and Noah to Kansas for an extended weekend. Our plan was to leave IL at 1pm, so that they both would take at least a 2 hour nap, and be at Mamaw's by 8pm.

The kiddos had other plans. They napped for 45 minutes!! We had to stop 4 or 5 times to let them "stretch". Seriously??

I think we took them to every single park in Leavenworth. And they adored playing in Pami's pool - thank goodness the weather was nice.

VeGaS

We went to Vegas for a week - kinda for the honeymoon we never had, kinda for our one year anniversary, although we still planning on getting away for a short celebration in September.

I have to be honest.....Vegas is not my idea of a great vacation. My idea of a great vacation is relaxation, warm weather (it was only 85 degrees and sunny 2 of the 6 days), clean air, among other things. Vegas was busy - we were constantly on the move, exploring the whole city. We couldn't go to the pool more than twice, because it was too cold. And there certainly is no clean air in that city.

We were able to visit Freemont Street (the Old Strip). We walked up and down the Strip, going inside almost every single hotel. We ate at "Top of the World" -on top of the Stratosphere (our hotel)- which was one of our favorite nights.

The Lake

Noah. He was so funny today. We took him to feed the geese and after 1 minute he was through. (The first pic was taken during the 1 minute he was okay with the geese) He fussed until R held him. He loved sitting on the picnic table and throwing bread / bagels to them. As long as they couldn't "get him", he was fine.

The time we spend with Noah is precious. However, hope is always present in my mind....that one day I can enjoy these same experiences with my own child. For now, I'll live vicariously through my brother's son!

I will likely never have....

Children. WHY DO DIFFERENT DOCTORS KEEP TELLING ME THIS???

"I want children. Not just a baby. Not just a child. I want children. More than one. But if we even can have one, I'll be happy. We had hoped the trying would be put off for a few years, but due to external circumstances that could not be. Thus the trying began.

To no avail. No children. Not one pregnancy. I have never experienced that wonder of knowing that there is a life inside of me. Instead, there is a longing that will not be filled, that will not be diminished, that will not end this side of heaven.

Nothing else in my life has been as baffling to me as not being able to conceive a child. My emotions hide even from myself, spilling out in tears of sadness or anger at the most inopportune times. There have been no days of real clarity, no times when a light has come on to show the way—not even a little. But the mysterious and marvelous mercy of God has convinced me of one thing in all of this—it is dark because I am in that deep, hidden place under God’s wing.

At times the knowledge that God has given His covenant of grace to believers and their children makes not being able to have a child even more difficult to understand and bear. God has rescued me from such a desperate place and has given me such a glorious glimpse of Himself that I want, with all that is within me, to see this passed on to the next generation of my family, my children.

My heart cries out, “Why, O God, will You not answer this prayer? Why will You not do this simple thing for me and for Your own name’s sake? You do it for so many so easily. Your marvelous grace. Why not to me?” With thoughts like these, it is easy to fall into deep despair, and at times I certainly do. When this happens, God in His time and His various graceful ways, comes to me to remind me that I am not alone.

He does not, as so many do, tell me that “my time will come.” He does not say that if I will just relax and not try so hard, everything will be okay. He does not say, “If you adopt a baby, you’ll get pregnant.” He does say that He is with me. He weeps with me as Jesus wept for Lazarus. He reminds me that He is good and that He can be trusted with my heart. Any doubt of that was wiped away at the Cross.

He has given His best to me, His own beautiful, beloved Child. Will He withhold any good thing from me? No, never. Is Jesus enough to make up for this aching void in my soul? I do not always feel that it is so. But it is. Jesus loves me—this I know." (taken from a book I'm reading....I don't remember the name, I'll post it later)

---- Crazy PCOS ----

Two weeks later, I'm ready to face the music and the diagnosis of "Infertility".

I never thought I'd have to start journaling about this.

Background: I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) when I was 19. It is one of the leading causes of infertility. It's estimated that about 5-10% of women of childbearing age are affected by it, and it is the most common female endocrine disorder (characterized by multiple abnormal ovarian cysts). The bursting of the cysts is usually followed by extreme pain - lasting hours or even days. The doctors I have spoken with say it is likely that there is a genetic factor with PCOS. There isn't one specific test to diagnose this syndrome. There are unending and invasive examinations, ultrasounds, and various blood tests. Given all of my medical history, my doctor gives me a 55% chance to carry full-term and deliver a healthy baby. That being said, I have a very high rate of early pregnancy loss. My last visit (before Christmas) -- the doctor (not MY doctor) said that my ovaries are very damaged and the cysts will likely begin forming on my fallopian tubes. They suggested that I get a hysterectomy this summer; June, to be exact.

Most days I feel like I'm just hanging in there. Admittedly, at first, Iwondered about God's sovereignty - THIS is His plan for us? I deal with the "diagnosis: infertile" much more emotionally than R does. The lack of control, stressed relationship, sleep problems, waiting to hear from the doctor's office, withdraw from family and friends, having to make a gigantic decision that will effect the rest of our lives, medically induced emotional moodswings are, at times, unbearable - I cry at almost everything. The "why is God doing this to us?" question is ever prevalent.

We strongly believe that faith is not so much believing God will provide a child; rather, it's believing that nothing is too hard for Him. And that involves believing that His ways, while mysterious, are trustworthy.

Our current decision is to not schedule my surgery for this summer. We're going to give ourselves more time to reach a healthy decision about what path we should take. The Lord knows our hearts and our desire -- now, it's up to us to trust Him.

--K's Wedding--

My cousins wedding was the perfect thing to take my mind off of...well, ME. I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to stand up for her and support her on her wonderful day! Her wedding was beautiful, and R and I both enjoyed the time we were able to spend with family.

I ended up giving a speech - for the girls - completely on the spot. Thankfully, K and I have had many, many years of memories!!

...6 months...

Six months of butterflies and rainbows.

Right.

Life doesn't always happen that way. Lately, I feel like I've lost my voice from screaming to be let off the roller-coaster ride of life. It's hard enough being newlyweds.

I was told several years before we got married that I would not be able to have children, so we'll be going to a fertility specialist in the next few months to receive our "diagnosis". Knowing that I could have to have a hysterectomy any day is enough to make me crazy!! Some days I can't focus on anything else - wondering how long I'll make it. Wondering why me? Wondering if God can truly heal me...and praying for the strength to make it another day.

Trying to live with his mom for several weeks didn't help either...we both knew it wouldn't work, but didn't have many options at the time. Maybe we should have given ourselves more time after R got out of the military. Regardless, we're married now and are living in a nice apartment in a quiet area. No complaints there!

My cousin gets married tomorrow -I'm excited to be a part of her wedding. It'll take my mind off of everything. I'm glad all the attention will be on her beautiful face, because I don't feel up to explaining our "issues" at this point.