---- Crazy PCOS ----

Two weeks later, I'm ready to face the music and the diagnosis of "Infertility".

I never thought I'd have to start journaling about this.

Background: I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) when I was 19. It is one of the leading causes of infertility. It's estimated that about 5-10% of women of childbearing age are affected by it, and it is the most common female endocrine disorder (characterized by multiple abnormal ovarian cysts). The bursting of the cysts is usually followed by extreme pain - lasting hours or even days. The doctors I have spoken with say it is likely that there is a genetic factor with PCOS. There isn't one specific test to diagnose this syndrome. There are unending and invasive examinations, ultrasounds, and various blood tests. Given all of my medical history, my doctor gives me a 55% chance to carry full-term and deliver a healthy baby. That being said, I have a very high rate of early pregnancy loss. My last visit (before Christmas) -- the doctor (not MY doctor) said that my ovaries are very damaged and the cysts will likely begin forming on my fallopian tubes. They suggested that I get a hysterectomy this summer; June, to be exact.

Most days I feel like I'm just hanging in there. Admittedly, at first, Iwondered about God's sovereignty - THIS is His plan for us? I deal with the "diagnosis: infertile" much more emotionally than R does. The lack of control, stressed relationship, sleep problems, waiting to hear from the doctor's office, withdraw from family and friends, having to make a gigantic decision that will effect the rest of our lives, medically induced emotional moodswings are, at times, unbearable - I cry at almost everything. The "why is God doing this to us?" question is ever prevalent.

We strongly believe that faith is not so much believing God will provide a child; rather, it's believing that nothing is too hard for Him. And that involves believing that His ways, while mysterious, are trustworthy.

Our current decision is to not schedule my surgery for this summer. We're going to give ourselves more time to reach a healthy decision about what path we should take. The Lord knows our hearts and our desire -- now, it's up to us to trust Him.

--K's Wedding--

My cousins wedding was the perfect thing to take my mind off of...well, ME. I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to stand up for her and support her on her wonderful day! Her wedding was beautiful, and R and I both enjoyed the time we were able to spend with family.

I ended up giving a speech - for the girls - completely on the spot. Thankfully, K and I have had many, many years of memories!!

...6 months...

Six months of butterflies and rainbows.

Right.

Life doesn't always happen that way. Lately, I feel like I've lost my voice from screaming to be let off the roller-coaster ride of life. It's hard enough being newlyweds.

I was told several years before we got married that I would not be able to have children, so we'll be going to a fertility specialist in the next few months to receive our "diagnosis". Knowing that I could have to have a hysterectomy any day is enough to make me crazy!! Some days I can't focus on anything else - wondering how long I'll make it. Wondering why me? Wondering if God can truly heal me...and praying for the strength to make it another day.

Trying to live with his mom for several weeks didn't help either...we both knew it wouldn't work, but didn't have many options at the time. Maybe we should have given ourselves more time after R got out of the military. Regardless, we're married now and are living in a nice apartment in a quiet area. No complaints there!

My cousin gets married tomorrow -I'm excited to be a part of her wedding. It'll take my mind off of everything. I'm glad all the attention will be on her beautiful face, because I don't feel up to explaining our "issues" at this point.