These people need to get their game together, seriously! As if infertility isn't hard enough, now I'm forced to deal with their indecisive behavior. I was told that the hospital was requiring more information, so the licensing is on hold indefinitely. June, possibly later, is when they hope to be licensed. Screw that.
Part of me wants to stay with SIRM, because they know what I've been through the last 2.5 years. They've done all the invasive testing and know what they can do. Part of me wants to say, "Later" and never look back. There's another RE in this area, but he knows nothing about me and would probably want to do tests all over again. I'm definitely not up for that.
I guess we're just putting it on hold once again. We're both ticked off about it, so we decided that we're going to use the cash we've saved for GIFT to go to Cozumel. If that really happens....we'll see, but it's a nice thought. And right now, I'll take whatever helps me get through the moment
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Foster Care Classes - Part 1
We are beginning to take the PRIDE course, required in Illinois for foster/adoptive care. We have 9 weeks of classes, 1x per week, 3hours per class.
We are very hesitant about becoming foster parents given our background. We also realize that adoption is not financially possible for us at this point (plus waiting 2-4 years for placement). After lengthy conversations, we feel that we can and should make a difference while we're able. There are vulnerable children out there who need a safe place to stay and need adults who truly care about them. That is the bottom line.
I think the state of Illinois is going to be a little too involved, but we'll see. I'm keeping an open mind.
And I'll try to update my blog as much as possible...this is going to be a long ride.
We are very hesitant about becoming foster parents given our background. We also realize that adoption is not financially possible for us at this point (plus waiting 2-4 years for placement). After lengthy conversations, we feel that we can and should make a difference while we're able. There are vulnerable children out there who need a safe place to stay and need adults who truly care about them. That is the bottom line.
I think the state of Illinois is going to be a little too involved, but we'll see. I'm keeping an open mind.
And I'll try to update my blog as much as possible...this is going to be a long ride.
Monday, November 29, 2010
GIFT Licensing Pt. 3
Another excuse from the office....the hospitals didn't look over the papers, so they said they weren't going to hold a meeting. Now, the whole month of December is screwed.
GRRR, I'm starting to get anxious and angry. Don't tell me in September that you've already begun the licensing process and will be credentialed before October and for me to plan to be in the October cycle....then push me off until next year, because you can't get your act together.
GRRR, I'm starting to get anxious and angry. Don't tell me in September that you've already begun the licensing process and will be credentialed before October and for me to plan to be in the October cycle....then push me off until next year, because you can't get your act together.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
GIFT Licensing Pt. 2
Yet again, they missed the meeting....and we're waiting another month. I was hoping to have everything over with and know the results by Christmas time. Clearly, that's not going to happen.
Negative: I'm beginning to feel like we don't matter to this RE's office.
Positive: I don't have to deal with a negative result for my Christmas present.
Negative: I'm beginning to feel like we don't matter to this RE's office.
Positive: I don't have to deal with a negative result for my Christmas present.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
World's Worst Blogger
---> That'd be me!
I don't know what my deal is -- I have so much that goes through my mind, but I guess that I never want to focus on it long enough to put what I'm thinking or feeling into words.
As we continue this seemingly never ending journey, I'll try to update more....which will take determination on my part. ;-)
I don't know what my deal is -- I have so much that goes through my mind, but I guess that I never want to focus on it long enough to put what I'm thinking or feeling into words.
As we continue this seemingly never ending journey, I'll try to update more....which will take determination on my part. ;-)
Friday, October 1, 2010
GIFT Licensing
They didn't make the licensing meeting, so our cycle is put off for another month.
*dislike*
*dislike*
Sunday, September 5, 2010
G I F T
Met with the RE again....it's a new guy in the practice, who has been on our side of the fence.
Our insurance covers a procedure called GIFT - Gamete IntraFallopian Transfer - and we're hoping to attempt it soon. I have 4 cycles covered by my insurance. We're paying for the coverage, why not use it?
GIFT = I do the whole injection process to get my eggs ready. On the day of the egg retrieval, I'll be put under general anesthesia, they'll retrieve the eggs, pick the most developed ones, R will do his thing...and they put my beauties & his little guys separated by an air bubble into a tube. The RE will laparoscopically insert the contents into my fallopian tubes.
It's not IVF, but our RE is willing to take us down this path. He's made it very clear that we have less than a 5% chance of success, but, hey, this is better than what's been happening the past 2 years. Continuing on our current path our chance of conceiving a child is less than 1%.
They're hoping to finish up licensing with the hospitals at the end of this month. I should be starting injections by this time next month!
Our insurance covers a procedure called GIFT - Gamete IntraFallopian Transfer - and we're hoping to attempt it soon. I have 4 cycles covered by my insurance. We're paying for the coverage, why not use it?
GIFT = I do the whole injection process to get my eggs ready. On the day of the egg retrieval, I'll be put under general anesthesia, they'll retrieve the eggs, pick the most developed ones, R will do his thing...and they put my beauties & his little guys separated by an air bubble into a tube. The RE will laparoscopically insert the contents into my fallopian tubes.
It's not IVF, but our RE is willing to take us down this path. He's made it very clear that we have less than a 5% chance of success, but, hey, this is better than what's been happening the past 2 years. Continuing on our current path our chance of conceiving a child is less than 1%.
They're hoping to finish up licensing with the hospitals at the end of this month. I should be starting injections by this time next month!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Texas: The End
Boo. Unfortunately, it's the end of the road for a while anyway. R has taken 3 trips to Texas for various tests, but got his "rejection" letter in the mail last week. He followed up with a call to the recruiter, who said that his scores were high, but overall unemployment was the reason he wasn't selected. Meaning...others who have experience as officers yet lost jobs due to unemployment in other areas of the US were chosen. The recruiter told him to apply again, but we spent a lot of $$ on his trips to Texas, so that's off then agenda for at least another couple of years.
I know that we're still here (in IL) for a reason, I just wish I knew what that reason was....
I know that we're still here (in IL) for a reason, I just wish I knew what that reason was....
Monday, July 26, 2010
This was the house my parents rented - we were able to stay (our entire family) for a week. Some days were rough, but most days were great. As much as we, R and I, tend to keep to ourselves, it was a nice break to be able to be open with our family. 
We went tubing on Lake Rathbun one day -- the day we chose was the day before they closed the lake down to boats, etc, because it was so flooded. It had rained so much that we couldn't tell where the banks of the lake were. I think we all had fun tubing that day!
M and R were grilling out one of the many dinners - we had some yummy food!
We went tubing on Lake Rathbun one day -- the day we chose was the day before they closed the lake down to boats, etc, because it was so flooded. It had rained so much that we couldn't tell where the banks of the lake were. I think we all had fun tubing that day!
M and R were grilling out one of the many dinners - we had some yummy food!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
New Nephew
Holden Tyler was born yesterday. Just thought I'd show him off a little bit.
Although, I have mixed emotions, I forced myself to hold him today and that was a HUGE step forward.
Although, I have mixed emotions, I forced myself to hold him today and that was a HUGE step forward.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
You Know You're Infertile When....
I found this on another blog. Some of you may not know what some of it means, but for me, it's super funny and is a great comic relief about something so unfortunate and depressing.
You know you're infertile when...
1. Your nurse knows you when you call. (Yes, she knows me very well. She has my birthday memorized -what they have to ask in order to obtain my charts-. She tells me, "Good thing I like you, since I see you so much!" And then I joke back that I'm purposely causing my infertility so I get to see her all the time. She's really helped me a lot during this time).
2. You know every acronym that has anything to do with TTC. (BFP, BFN, HPT, CM, DH, BBT, BBs, OPK, 2WW, BD...the list goes on. And most of you probably don't know what the heck I'm talking about. Haha).
3. You can tell the doctor your temperature to a hundredth of a degree. (This one doesn't really apply to me because since I don't ovulate I never really watched my basal body temperature to monitor my ovulation).
4. You've stopped thinking of days in terms of actual dates, and have started going by cycle days alone. (Haha! I don't really do that, but that's funny).
5. You refuse to go into a hot tub in fear of hard boiling your eggs. (Yes, and I pretty much refuse to let R hot tub, too, for fear of him boiling away his little guys).
6. Your mood is in direct correlation with the line on your BBT chart. (Never really charted, so this doesn't apply to me either).
7. You've said the words "forced marital coitus" to your husband. (I haven't said those words, but "coitus" definitely has become more of a planned event, rather than romantic spontaneity).
8. You've completly filled the "nursery" with other things in hopes of moving them out soon. (What would have been our nursery is the second bedroom. We bought several nursery things - R's either stuffed them away in the closet or taken them over to my parent's, I can't stand to see them).
9. You plan family visits and events around ovulation. (We did for several months, not so much anymore...especially since R's been travling so much lately).
10. You have zero time for complaining mothers or pregnant women. (They seriously need to SHUT IT!).
You know you're infertile when...
1. Your nurse knows you when you call. (Yes, she knows me very well. She has my birthday memorized -what they have to ask in order to obtain my charts-. She tells me, "Good thing I like you, since I see you so much!" And then I joke back that I'm purposely causing my infertility so I get to see her all the time. She's really helped me a lot during this time).
2. You know every acronym that has anything to do with TTC. (BFP, BFN, HPT, CM, DH, BBT, BBs, OPK, 2WW, BD...the list goes on. And most of you probably don't know what the heck I'm talking about. Haha).
3. You can tell the doctor your temperature to a hundredth of a degree. (This one doesn't really apply to me because since I don't ovulate I never really watched my basal body temperature to monitor my ovulation).
4. You've stopped thinking of days in terms of actual dates, and have started going by cycle days alone. (Haha! I don't really do that, but that's funny).
5. You refuse to go into a hot tub in fear of hard boiling your eggs. (Yes, and I pretty much refuse to let R hot tub, too, for fear of him boiling away his little guys).
6. Your mood is in direct correlation with the line on your BBT chart. (Never really charted, so this doesn't apply to me either).
7. You've said the words "forced marital coitus" to your husband. (I haven't said those words, but "coitus" definitely has become more of a planned event, rather than romantic spontaneity).
8. You've completly filled the "nursery" with other things in hopes of moving them out soon. (What would have been our nursery is the second bedroom. We bought several nursery things - R's either stuffed them away in the closet or taken them over to my parent's, I can't stand to see them).
9. You plan family visits and events around ovulation. (We did for several months, not so much anymore...especially since R's been travling so much lately).
10. You have zero time for complaining mothers or pregnant women. (They seriously need to SHUT IT!).
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Chronic Adrenal Fatigue
Finally got some answers. My GYN specializes in IF, so I see him along with my RE (randomly). I got the results back from my saliva test....
It's without question that I have Adrenal Fatigue. The hormones one's body should be producing were barely on the chart and below the chart in my results. The body's adrenal glands produce, release & regulate hormones (i.e. adrenalin, estrogen, endorphins, etc.). These hormones are produced when our bodies are in stress. The response of the body to deal with stress and pressure is to make and release these hormones. When someone has Adrenal Fatigue, the production of hormones is affected. The body produces too many hormones in large amounts to deal with the stress. This means the adrenal glands are working overtime which will only result in exhaustion of the adrenal glands which will in turn lower the hormone production in our bodies. This alters your immune system, lowering your resistance to infections, and inhibits your ability to handle inflammation. The consequence will be that we will feel tired easily and we will be exhausted most of the time. Even a sound sleep cannot replenish the energies of chronic adrenal fatigue sufferers. One will also feel irritable and moody which can further lead to depression. If there are intense & lengthy stresses, the development of adrenal fatigue is accellerated. Many people experience high levels of stress on a regular basis. This will put chronic strain on adrenal function.
Dr. K firmly believes that this is the cause of almost all (except IF) my other underlying issues. He proceeded to ask me, "What are you so stressed out about?" I laughed at him. Hello, what I have been dealing with on a consisten basis for the last 2 years?? I can't help but wonder....what's my life going to be like in 5 years if I can't rid myself of the "stress"?
I'm taking a high dose of progesterone, since I don't produce much on my own. I'm taking a few other organic supplements to help with natural hormone production. We'll see...as much as I want to believe somebody...I find it hard to do so.
It's without question that I have Adrenal Fatigue. The hormones one's body should be producing were barely on the chart and below the chart in my results. The body's adrenal glands produce, release & regulate hormones (i.e. adrenalin, estrogen, endorphins, etc.). These hormones are produced when our bodies are in stress. The response of the body to deal with stress and pressure is to make and release these hormones. When someone has Adrenal Fatigue, the production of hormones is affected. The body produces too many hormones in large amounts to deal with the stress. This means the adrenal glands are working overtime which will only result in exhaustion of the adrenal glands which will in turn lower the hormone production in our bodies. This alters your immune system, lowering your resistance to infections, and inhibits your ability to handle inflammation. The consequence will be that we will feel tired easily and we will be exhausted most of the time. Even a sound sleep cannot replenish the energies of chronic adrenal fatigue sufferers. One will also feel irritable and moody which can further lead to depression. If there are intense & lengthy stresses, the development of adrenal fatigue is accellerated. Many people experience high levels of stress on a regular basis. This will put chronic strain on adrenal function.
Dr. K firmly believes that this is the cause of almost all (except IF) my other underlying issues. He proceeded to ask me, "What are you so stressed out about?" I laughed at him. Hello, what I have been dealing with on a consisten basis for the last 2 years?? I can't help but wonder....what's my life going to be like in 5 years if I can't rid myself of the "stress"?
I'm taking a high dose of progesterone, since I don't produce much on my own. I'm taking a few other organic supplements to help with natural hormone production. We'll see...as much as I want to believe somebody...I find it hard to do so.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Texas: The Beginning
R is going to Texas for the weekend to do physical / written testing for the Texas State Police. I have mixed feelings - I, more than ever, want to get out of here and leave the pain behind me, but also I know that I have been blessed with a phenomenal support system here in Illinois. Truthfully....will the pain leave just because we move 900 miles away?? No, it won't. It'll always be here.
R is so excited at this opportunity, I haven't ever seen him this happy. How can I just take that away from him? I've been so selfish with all this infertility crap that I can't bring myself to be selfish when it comes to moving. *sigh*
R is so excited at this opportunity, I haven't ever seen him this happy. How can I just take that away from him? I've been so selfish with all this infertility crap that I can't bring myself to be selfish when it comes to moving. *sigh*
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Poem from my Mom
My momma wrote this poem for R and I.....I've thought long and hard about sharing it, because it's such an intense poem, written with hours of intimate conversations and shared tears in mind. This poem describes the entirety of my feelings - written by someone who's never experienced infertility, but can clearly explain how I feel and why.
Through the Valley
In the beginning God created male and female;
He commanded them to be fruitful and multiply.
Why must we walk the road less traveled?
How can we be joyous without the next generation in our arms?
How do we accept Your plan for us that differs from creation?
How do we love a God that will not give us our heart’s desire?
Why should we read the Bible when we can not claim its blessings?
Why go to church when we’ve never heard a message about infertility?
Oh God, we are falling away.
Satan has us by our “Achilles Heel” and is pulling us away.
Help us to love You with no attachments, child or no child.
Help us to find peace with or without a child.
Help us to believe You are our loving heavenly Father, child or no child.
Help us to see the plan we were created for, child or no child.
Help us to be faithful to You with what You have given us or not given us.
Help us to have the peace that passes all understanding, child or no child.
Help us to have the grace that is sufficient in time of need, child or no child.
Help us to have our joy completely full, child or no child.
Help us to follow wherever You lead, even if it is the path of infertility.
Help us to be a light to those who must also take this path of infertility.
Help us to love the children that are in our lives.
Help us to love the parents that are in our lives.
Help us to let the bitterness go - that is eating our hearts.
Help us to fill our empty souls with Your spirit.
Help us to have compassion for the unfit parents that may come in our lives.
Oh, God, help us through this Valley of the Shadow of Death,
The Death of being someone’s mommy.
The Death of being someone’s daddy!
1-24-2010 cll
Written to my daughter and son-in-law
Through the Valley
In the beginning God created male and female;
He commanded them to be fruitful and multiply.
Why must we walk the road less traveled?
How can we be joyous without the next generation in our arms?
How do we accept Your plan for us that differs from creation?
How do we love a God that will not give us our heart’s desire?
Why should we read the Bible when we can not claim its blessings?
Why go to church when we’ve never heard a message about infertility?
Oh God, we are falling away.
Satan has us by our “Achilles Heel” and is pulling us away.
Help us to love You with no attachments, child or no child.
Help us to find peace with or without a child.
Help us to believe You are our loving heavenly Father, child or no child.
Help us to see the plan we were created for, child or no child.
Help us to be faithful to You with what You have given us or not given us.
Help us to have the peace that passes all understanding, child or no child.
Help us to have the grace that is sufficient in time of need, child or no child.
Help us to have our joy completely full, child or no child.
Help us to follow wherever You lead, even if it is the path of infertility.
Help us to be a light to those who must also take this path of infertility.
Help us to love the children that are in our lives.
Help us to love the parents that are in our lives.
Help us to let the bitterness go - that is eating our hearts.
Help us to fill our empty souls with Your spirit.
Help us to have compassion for the unfit parents that may come in our lives.
Oh, God, help us through this Valley of the Shadow of Death,
The Death of being someone’s mommy.
The Death of being someone’s daddy!
1-24-2010 cll
Written to my daughter and son-in-law
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day = Tears+Emotions
Mother's Day definitely hasn't been easy this year. It started out as the second hardest day of my life to date. I felt like crawling under the desk at work, instead I pushed all my feelings down as deep as possible and prayed for strength to "make it through one more minute". This song touched my heart today, and I wanted to share it. It's a tear-jerker, and I listened to it several times, letting go of all the tears I needed to and eventually resting in the peace that only He can give.
Friday, April 23, 2010
*~* My Husband *~*
I'm so thankful that God chose to bless me with an amazing husband who accepts me exactly as I am, and is strong enough for both of us when we're going through stressful times (which has been all year so far!). He has such a positive attitude when my attitude is crummy. He smiles for me when I'm crying. He knows when I need to hear encouraging words and when silence is what I'm longing for. He holds me and lets me fall to pieces; then, together, we pick those pieces back up.
I love you, Robert!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Had such a great time getting together for Easter! The food was amazing and the company was even better. Thankfully the rain stayed away and we were able to have an Easter egg hunt for the kiddos.
First holiday that I've been okay with having family around. R made a huge deal when we got home that he was so proud of me for holding myself together and allowing myself to enjoy the day. He got some tears later on, but it feels so good that I'm progressing. Slowly, but surely. The pain will always be there, I know, but it's something that won't always be so "in my face" every second of every day.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Progesterone : Estrogen
I meant to update that I checked with Dr. K about this endometrial cancer business. Yes, it is a reality; but he is convinced that with regular check-ups, we would be able to catch it early on and treat it successfully.
One thing he brought up is that women should have a 300:1 ratio of Progesterone to Estrogen in their saliva. (Part of why I'm doing the saliva test). He says my ratio is very close to the opposite end of the spectrum. Estrogen dominance is a large cause of Endometrial Cancer. Not cycling every month is another cause. I have both of those things going against me. However, I have God on my side. Is the word cancer enough to scare me? Absolutely. Is the knowledge that my God is bigger than cancer enough to calm my fears? Absolutely.
I've been such a downer lately that I felt I really needed to share this news and the hope that I have in this situation!
One thing he brought up is that women should have a 300:1 ratio of Progesterone to Estrogen in their saliva. (Part of why I'm doing the saliva test). He says my ratio is very close to the opposite end of the spectrum. Estrogen dominance is a large cause of Endometrial Cancer. Not cycling every month is another cause. I have both of those things going against me. However, I have God on my side. Is the word cancer enough to scare me? Absolutely. Is the knowledge that my God is bigger than cancer enough to calm my fears? Absolutely.
I've been such a downer lately that I felt I really needed to share this news and the hope that I have in this situation!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
First Appt after the January torture
All day I thought about cancelling. I didn't have it in my heart to go to the OB today. It took all the strength I had left to go, but since I'm at a high-risk for endometrial cancer, I know that I need to have a check-up every 6 months.
I switched OB's - I'm going to Dr. K - he's been highly recommended. I found out today that he deals with infertility also. He doesn't want any labs done, instead he wants a saliva test. He says that this type of test more accurately reads one's hormone levels.
I'm NOT for one second getting my hopes up.....they've been dashed enough this year. However, it'll be nice to get some answers that, in the past, have been dealt with by medicating me with BCPs. Birth control is a band-aid to a serious problem that needs to be fixed. I'm working on ME for now. I'm worrying about my health and not worrying about the family that we can't start. And I feel pretty good about it.
I switched OB's - I'm going to Dr. K - he's been highly recommended. I found out today that he deals with infertility also. He doesn't want any labs done, instead he wants a saliva test. He says that this type of test more accurately reads one's hormone levels.
I'm NOT for one second getting my hopes up.....they've been dashed enough this year. However, it'll be nice to get some answers that, in the past, have been dealt with by medicating me with BCPs. Birth control is a band-aid to a serious problem that needs to be fixed. I'm working on ME for now. I'm worrying about my health and not worrying about the family that we can't start. And I feel pretty good about it.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Cystoscopy
Today was my procedure -- everything went fine & we got answers! I was pretty nervous about being under anesthesia - I've never been "put out" before.
Apparently, I have horrible veins. That's the first thing I learned today. I knew from getting labs done previously that they were bad, but I guess my veins are useless for IV's. The nurse wouldn't even try to put the IV in. She called the anesthesiologist and he had to stick me three times - once in the middle of my forearm, once near where they typically take blood, and lastly in the wrist of the opposite hand. After the middle of my arm started turning black and blue and swelling almost immediately, he left that IV needle in and attempted another place. He finally got a vein in my wrist and I thought I was going to pass out, because my other arm was killing me. He leaves the room and leaves the first needle in my arm! What the heck! That was the only traumatic experience of the day, thank God.
Dr. Hernandez said that it's Interstitial Cystitis (IC) and I have many cysts of the lining of my bladder also. Thankfully, by staying away from certain acidic foods and taking a $360/month medicine, the lining will build itself back up. I have no other health risks; however, my mother-in-law asked Dr. H if IC and the cysts could be linked to my infertility and other cysts. He said that it definitely could be related. Geez...my whole body is a mess!
Apparently, I have horrible veins. That's the first thing I learned today. I knew from getting labs done previously that they were bad, but I guess my veins are useless for IV's. The nurse wouldn't even try to put the IV in. She called the anesthesiologist and he had to stick me three times - once in the middle of my forearm, once near where they typically take blood, and lastly in the wrist of the opposite hand. After the middle of my arm started turning black and blue and swelling almost immediately, he left that IV needle in and attempted another place. He finally got a vein in my wrist and I thought I was going to pass out, because my other arm was killing me. He leaves the room and leaves the first needle in my arm! What the heck! That was the only traumatic experience of the day, thank God.
Dr. Hernandez said that it's Interstitial Cystitis (IC) and I have many cysts of the lining of my bladder also. Thankfully, by staying away from certain acidic foods and taking a $360/month medicine, the lining will build itself back up. I have no other health risks; however, my mother-in-law asked Dr. H if IC and the cysts could be linked to my infertility and other cysts. He said that it definitely could be related. Geez...my whole body is a mess!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
ER Trip
I woke up yesterday morning feeling terrible. My lower abdomen was sharp shooting pain, along with other issues. R took me to the ER around 7:30am. I was there for over 3 hours, they know I'm hemmoraghing, but can't explain what is wrong. My momma came and stayed with me so that R could go to work. They did a CT scan, which showed no kidney stones or abnormalities.
They released me with pain meds and instructions to see a urologist today.
I called the urologist to schedule an appointment and of coure their next opening was in 2 weeks! I stayed home from work again today, because I can barely move. I called the urologist and begged them to get me in or else I was going back to the ER.
They say it's likely Interstitial Cystitis, which is a deteriorating of the bladder lining. Apparently, I also have gall stones, which I'm supposed to "remember, but forget about, just for future reference". Seriously? They're scheduling me an appointment for a cystoscopy in the next 2 weeks and until then I'm on 2 different medicine for pain. I suppose I should be thankful that they're numbing it for the time being. =)
They released me with pain meds and instructions to see a urologist today.
I called the urologist to schedule an appointment and of coure their next opening was in 2 weeks! I stayed home from work again today, because I can barely move. I called the urologist and begged them to get me in or else I was going back to the ER.
They say it's likely Interstitial Cystitis, which is a deteriorating of the bladder lining. Apparently, I also have gall stones, which I'm supposed to "remember, but forget about, just for future reference". Seriously? They're scheduling me an appointment for a cystoscopy in the next 2 weeks and until then I'm on 2 different medicine for pain. I suppose I should be thankful that they're numbing it for the time being. =)
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Understanding
It's horrible that I have to keep my family at arm's length so that I can continue down the path of life comfortably. They just don't understand. If you haven't struggled with infertility you can't possibly understand. Much like I could never understand battling cancer or dealing with a parent's divorce. I feel even worse when people offer sympathy. I don't want sympathy. I want a little bit of understanding when it comes to my emotions. Meaning: respect that fact that I may need to stay away from babies and prego women for a while or at seemingly random times - don't make me feel guilty because of it. It's been said that it's not selfishness; it's self-preservation.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Over the past few weeks....
.....I've heard more encouraging words than I was ready to hear. I was, still am, battling with these overwhelming feelings. God gives us feelings; He created anger, despair, and sadness. My feelings are not "wrong" or "sinful", they're normal. I had reached a point where I shut down and stopped responding to what people were saying. No words pierced my heart. Part of me doesn't want to give up these feelings, they're safe. Giving up the sadness and the anger could open doors to more intense hurt than I've already experienced. I'm truly scared of what will happen if I surrender to "whatever His will may be". These past few weeks have been horrible. I feel as if God's given me more than I can handle. And, what's next, if I keep trusting Him and all I get in return is devastating hurt?
A dearly loved friend e-mailed me today. For whatever reason, God opened my heart to her encouragement. She simply posted the words to the following song with a short line at the bottom -- "I love you and am praying for you."
"What do you see when you look at your world today?
Is it so full of clutter that you feel like you’re going insane?
And you can’t fight back cause you’re just too afraid
And it seems like the clouds in your sky don’t wanna change
You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin,
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice.
When you see the rushing wind,
Feel the pouring rain,
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in
And you’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice
Saying, It’s okay, you’re not alone,
You may be scared to death, But I won’t let you go
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling
What do you see when you look at your world today?
Do you see a glimmer of hope, or has it all turned to gray?
Well start by counting your blessings one by one
Oh and I’m sure right there, you’ll start to see the sun
You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice.
Because the darker the night, the brighter He can shine."
I struggled with this all day. Can I hear Him? I am scared to death, and most days I do feel like the sky is falling. He just seems miles away....possibly because I'm pushing Him there.
I have so much to think about -- do I keep being angry and sad forever? Or do I open my heart again and risk such torment? I believe the last line of the song.....and I wish that could be me, but I'm overwhelmingly sad and have no idea how to get to that place of peace and hope.
A dearly loved friend e-mailed me today. For whatever reason, God opened my heart to her encouragement. She simply posted the words to the following song with a short line at the bottom -- "I love you and am praying for you."
"What do you see when you look at your world today?
Is it so full of clutter that you feel like you’re going insane?
And you can’t fight back cause you’re just too afraid
And it seems like the clouds in your sky don’t wanna change
You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin,
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice.
When you see the rushing wind,
Feel the pouring rain,
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in
And you’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice
Saying, It’s okay, you’re not alone,
You may be scared to death, But I won’t let you go
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling
What do you see when you look at your world today?
Do you see a glimmer of hope, or has it all turned to gray?
Well start by counting your blessings one by one
Oh and I’m sure right there, you’ll start to see the sun
You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice.
Because the darker the night, the brighter He can shine."
I struggled with this all day. Can I hear Him? I am scared to death, and most days I do feel like the sky is falling. He just seems miles away....possibly because I'm pushing Him there.
I have so much to think about -- do I keep being angry and sad forever? Or do I open my heart again and risk such torment? I believe the last line of the song.....and I wish that could be me, but I'm overwhelmingly sad and have no idea how to get to that place of peace and hope.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Endometrial WHAT?
Phone calls can be randomly disturbing. Today's phone call from my RE was upsetting and unbelievable.
Conversation goes as follows:
Nurse: "Tiffany, Dr. S wanted me to remind you that even though you've decided to forego IVF at this time, you'll need to continue a 6 month check-up with your regular OB since you're at high-risk."
Me: "High-risk for what?"
Nurse: "Endometrial cancer. Dr. S discussed this with you at one of your appointments."
Me: "I would have remembered that. We never discussed endometrial cancer or the words high-risk. What does that mean?"
Nurse: "You'll have to talk about that with your OB or make an appointment with Dr. S."
SERIOUSLY?? What is wrong with people? You don't tell someone they're at high-risk for cancer of any kind without prepping them first! Geez! R says I don't need to worry about it - I guess I'll bring it up when I have my appointment. Now, I just need to find an OB who's actually reads my chart.
Conversation goes as follows:
Nurse: "Tiffany, Dr. S wanted me to remind you that even though you've decided to forego IVF at this time, you'll need to continue a 6 month check-up with your regular OB since you're at high-risk."
Me: "High-risk for what?"
Nurse: "Endometrial cancer. Dr. S discussed this with you at one of your appointments."
Me: "I would have remembered that. We never discussed endometrial cancer or the words high-risk. What does that mean?"
Nurse: "You'll have to talk about that with your OB or make an appointment with Dr. S."
SERIOUSLY?? What is wrong with people? You don't tell someone they're at high-risk for cancer of any kind without prepping them first! Geez! R says I don't need to worry about it - I guess I'll bring it up when I have my appointment. Now, I just need to find an OB who's actually reads my chart.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sickening
I get sick to my stomach when I hear people say that we should deal with infertility by way of adoption. My mom posed a question and the answers given astounded me. Only one of the reponders knows where I'm coming from and the rest have absolutely no idea, but several immediately jumped onto the adoption bandwagon.
Seriously? Adoption is not something you jump into blindly. You don't just say, "I can't deal with infertility, so I'll adopt." People are absolutely clueless sometimes. Adoption does not CURE infertility, no matter how many people "got pregnant after they adopted". We are dealing with medical issues that aren't going to fix themselves with an extended period of relaxation. I would never wish infertility on anyone -- but I must say that I wish some people could walk a few months in the shoes of infertility. I guarantee they'd start thinking before they speak.
Seriously? Adoption is not something you jump into blindly. You don't just say, "I can't deal with infertility, so I'll adopt." People are absolutely clueless sometimes. Adoption does not CURE infertility, no matter how many people "got pregnant after they adopted". We are dealing with medical issues that aren't going to fix themselves with an extended period of relaxation. I would never wish infertility on anyone -- but I must say that I wish some people could walk a few months in the shoes of infertility. I guarantee they'd start thinking before they speak.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
It's going to be a rough day.....
.....I'm meeting a girl who can use some of the meds I won't be using. And I'm making up a package to mail some other meds to another girl. Truly, knowing that I'm easing someone else's financial burden and helping allow their dream to come true does making losing my dream a little easier.
Last week, with R's emergency surgery and other family things going on I don't think I was able to let the news of the cancelled cycle sink in. This week, now that things have slowed down, it's all hitting me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I've been run over by a semi. Last night when I was crying, I felt as if I didn't have any more air to breathe. If my heart was going to hurt that bad - I wanted to just step out of my body and be in another place. A place where I wouldn't have to feel the hurt. There's no such place.
My biggest issue right now, and I'm fully aware of it, is that I need to find a place of peace with God. I'm so angry at Him; I can't believe that He would do this R and I. Why on earth would He allow me to come to place of indescribable (sp?) peace with not having biological children and moving on towards adoption, to open this seemingly amazing door to IVF, only to know He's going to rip it away from me right in the middle of the procedure? He could have bypassed the whole "here's IVF".....oooh, sorry, nevermind.
If I thought it was rough before - when we found out we had to do IVF and it wasn't even an option - I had no idea what losing IVF after starting it was going to feel like.
Last week, with R's emergency surgery and other family things going on I don't think I was able to let the news of the cancelled cycle sink in. This week, now that things have slowed down, it's all hitting me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I've been run over by a semi. Last night when I was crying, I felt as if I didn't have any more air to breathe. If my heart was going to hurt that bad - I wanted to just step out of my body and be in another place. A place where I wouldn't have to feel the hurt. There's no such place.
My biggest issue right now, and I'm fully aware of it, is that I need to find a place of peace with God. I'm so angry at Him; I can't believe that He would do this R and I. Why on earth would He allow me to come to place of indescribable (sp?) peace with not having biological children and moving on towards adoption, to open this seemingly amazing door to IVF, only to know He's going to rip it away from me right in the middle of the procedure? He could have bypassed the whole "here's IVF".....oooh, sorry, nevermind.
If I thought it was rough before - when we found out we had to do IVF and it wasn't even an option - I had no idea what losing IVF after starting it was going to feel like.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Just Like *That*
Literally, in a matter of seconds.
My RE's office called today and since my insurance policy changed in January, they're not covering IVF. They will only cover IUI, because I work for a Catholic hospital who can make their own provisions.
I'm in shock. It's over. There's no way we can do IVF now; it's too late in the game. I can't believe this is happening.
How am I supposed to have faith when I can never even get back up after being kicked down? R and I can't take this rollercoaster ride anymore.
I don't know what God's doing.....but I can't imagine that His plan is to continually hurt us. R wants to fight it, and I'm ready to just move on and start our new life in Texas. I don't think the tears are going to end anytime soon. Our loss of the dream of having a family is too much to even think about right now.
My RE's office called today and since my insurance policy changed in January, they're not covering IVF. They will only cover IUI, because I work for a Catholic hospital who can make their own provisions.
I'm in shock. It's over. There's no way we can do IVF now; it's too late in the game. I can't believe this is happening.
How am I supposed to have faith when I can never even get back up after being kicked down? R and I can't take this rollercoaster ride anymore.
I don't know what God's doing.....but I can't imagine that His plan is to continually hurt us. R wants to fight it, and I'm ready to just move on and start our new life in Texas. I don't think the tears are going to end anytime soon. Our loss of the dream of having a family is too much to even think about right now.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Meds
I got all of my meds today. I couldn't believe how big the box was and that it was completely full of injection junk.
This scares the crap out of me.
On a great note, we were told that our fertility meds would be anywhere from $3k - $5k. My insurance coverage is amazing - our copay for the meds was $130. I was nervous before we found out what our co-pay would be and R says to me..."It's not in our hands, you know that already." He was right; and we received a HUGE blessing in the form of inexpensive medication.
I texted him after I received the box and said, "I can't do this anymore. It's too much. I've been strong for a few days and now I'm breaking." His response was, "That's right, you can't. But WE can. I'll be home soon. I love you." More tears! It made me realize that although I'm the pin cushion right now, R and I are in this together. We're both dealing with emotional stress and we're both going to deal with result of the procedure.
I have a little less than 2 weeks until I begin the other injections, so maybe I'll be used to getting them by then.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
It's true....I hate needles
The pharmacy didn't pull through and I ended up having to get temporary Lupron from my RE's office.
I had to give myself my first injection today....yeah, that didn't happen. Everyone keeps telling me it's "mind over matter - you can do this". Actually, I can't.
I sat in the bathroom at work - crying, shaking, and trying to give myself the injection for 15 minutes. It's the idea of giving the injection to myself. I can't get over it. I have such a huge fear of needles. I hate it.
Finally, I asked a co-worker, who's in nursing school, to give me the shot. She came into the bathroom, I pinched my stomach, and the shot was over in less than 10 seconds. As soon as she took the needle, I calmed down. I wasn't freaking out, I wasn't shaking, and I didn't expect it to hurt. I have no problem with someone else doing it.
One injection down - many more to go. Bring 'em on...as long as I'm not the one giving them!
I had to give myself my first injection today....yeah, that didn't happen. Everyone keeps telling me it's "mind over matter - you can do this". Actually, I can't.
I sat in the bathroom at work - crying, shaking, and trying to give myself the injection for 15 minutes. It's the idea of giving the injection to myself. I can't get over it. I have such a huge fear of needles. I hate it.
Finally, I asked a co-worker, who's in nursing school, to give me the shot. She came into the bathroom, I pinched my stomach, and the shot was over in less than 10 seconds. As soon as she took the needle, I calmed down. I wasn't freaking out, I wasn't shaking, and I didn't expect it to hurt. I have no problem with someone else doing it.
One injection down - many more to go. Bring 'em on...as long as I'm not the one giving them!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Officially Overwhelmed
R and I went to our group calendar review last night, where we practiced mixing and drawing up medications and giving injections to flesh-like pads. The whole evening made me sick - needles are not my friends and the thought of giving myself a shot is enough to make me want to pass out. Of course, R's 'excited' about it....he knows how to give shots....no thanks. I haven't decided whether or not to let him help; it depends on if I can make myself give the injections.
I'm supposed to start 1 injection tomorrow morning - Lupron. However, I have yet to hear from the pharmacy and don't have ANY of the meds I need. I have no idea how they're going to get everything here by tomorrow morning before I go to work.
My calendar states that the egg retrieval will likely be on Friday (1.29) or Saturday (1.30). And the embryo transfer is tentatively scheduled for Monday (2.1), Tuesday (2.2), or Wednesday (2.3).
I wonder if a person can ever be fully ready (emotionally and physically) for this type of thing. I'm beginning to think it's a leap one has to take - not blindy, but with lots of faith.
I'm supposed to start 1 injection tomorrow morning - Lupron. However, I have yet to hear from the pharmacy and don't have ANY of the meds I need. I have no idea how they're going to get everything here by tomorrow morning before I go to work.
My calendar states that the egg retrieval will likely be on Friday (1.29) or Saturday (1.30). And the embryo transfer is tentatively scheduled for Monday (2.1), Tuesday (2.2), or Wednesday (2.3).
I wonder if a person can ever be fully ready (emotionally and physically) for this type of thing. I'm beginning to think it's a leap one has to take - not blindy, but with lots of faith.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Limited Fert
After much prayer and discussion, R and I finally came to a conslusion about the big "how many egg do we fertilize" question.
Here's where we're coming from -- (note: we do not make this judgement for anyone else, this is our personal belief) -- we believe that life begins at conception, whether that conception is in a petri dish or in a woman's uterus, meaning the embryos the embryolgists create are human lives at that point. Neither R not myself are fans of freezing eggs or embryos. We'd pretty much resigned ourselves to the fact that we were headed towards adoption and wouldn't have any biological children. Being able to do IVF is side road before that road of adoption. Although I have wonderful insurance coverage, we will not be doing IVF again. This is our one and only try. If God wants us to have a biological child, He'll allow it - this is truly how we're looking at the procedure.
Limited Fertilization means we've decided to fertilize only 8 eggs. The ratio of them turning into blastocysts (which are 8+ celled embryos that they implant) is about 50% or so. We're hoping that we'll get 3 blasts to be able to implant. If God allows 4, 5, or all 6 to make it into blasts, then we will turn to the option of freezing them. Likely, we will turn to embryo adoption, because unless God changes our hearts, we won't be doing IVF again. If 0 make it to blasts, then God's will was accomplished, and we're headed off to adopt the lovely child(ren) he has waiting for us.
Tough to think about, because we both want to be so positive about this procedure. Chances of pregnancy are only 50/50, so we can't get our hopes up too much. As of now, we're resting in His love and in His peace.
Here's where we're coming from -- (note: we do not make this judgement for anyone else, this is our personal belief) -- we believe that life begins at conception, whether that conception is in a petri dish or in a woman's uterus, meaning the embryos the embryolgists create are human lives at that point. Neither R not myself are fans of freezing eggs or embryos. We'd pretty much resigned ourselves to the fact that we were headed towards adoption and wouldn't have any biological children. Being able to do IVF is side road before that road of adoption. Although I have wonderful insurance coverage, we will not be doing IVF again. This is our one and only try. If God wants us to have a biological child, He'll allow it - this is truly how we're looking at the procedure.
Limited Fertilization means we've decided to fertilize only 8 eggs. The ratio of them turning into blastocysts (which are 8+ celled embryos that they implant) is about 50% or so. We're hoping that we'll get 3 blasts to be able to implant. If God allows 4, 5, or all 6 to make it into blasts, then we will turn to the option of freezing them. Likely, we will turn to embryo adoption, because unless God changes our hearts, we won't be doing IVF again. If 0 make it to blasts, then God's will was accomplished, and we're headed off to adopt the lovely child(ren) he has waiting for us.
Tough to think about, because we both want to be so positive about this procedure. Chances of pregnancy are only 50/50, so we can't get our hopes up too much. As of now, we're resting in His love and in His peace.
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