.....I'm meeting a girl who can use some of the meds I won't be using. And I'm making up a package to mail some other meds to another girl. Truly, knowing that I'm easing someone else's financial burden and helping allow their dream to come true does making losing my dream a little easier.
Last week, with R's emergency surgery and other family things going on I don't think I was able to let the news of the cancelled cycle sink in. This week, now that things have slowed down, it's all hitting me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I've been run over by a semi. Last night when I was crying, I felt as if I didn't have any more air to breathe. If my heart was going to hurt that bad - I wanted to just step out of my body and be in another place. A place where I wouldn't have to feel the hurt. There's no such place.
My biggest issue right now, and I'm fully aware of it, is that I need to find a place of peace with God. I'm so angry at Him; I can't believe that He would do this R and I. Why on earth would He allow me to come to place of indescribable (sp?) peace with not having biological children and moving on towards adoption, to open this seemingly amazing door to IVF, only to know He's going to rip it away from me right in the middle of the procedure? He could have bypassed the whole "here's IVF".....oooh, sorry, nevermind.
If I thought it was rough before - when we found out we had to do IVF and it wasn't even an option - I had no idea what losing IVF after starting it was going to feel like.
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